Check out the Christmas colors, imaginary readers! That was totally accidental. I’m lampshading it so we can move on.

For those of you that don’t know, in the original mythology, Persephone was kidnapped by Hades, who made her his wife. With me so far? Good. Then, her parents came to get her, and they were all “Hades quit being an asshole.” BUT: she’d eaten some berries from the underworld, so she couldn’t leave the underworld forever, and blah blah personification of spring.

I just think it’s a better story if she secretly eloped.